october, the doomed month

I  writing finally at the end of October to say that the past month, and especially the past week have been the most difficult since I've started teaching. 

I have a child, Clifford, whose mother was removed from his home by ACS after he came to school with burns on his body. 

I have a child who regularly hits, scratches, bites, and slaps. 

I have a child who, at 6 years old, is doing kindergarten again. Last week he told me he was trying to pull his teeth out because he wants to die. 

I am just completely spent. My colleagues are supportive. My school has lots of resources. I'm thankful for where I work. But. I. Am. Exhausted. 

Here's to a new month, and hopefully a new era in Wellesley. 

day 9

"Ms. Haley, I'm changing my name. My name isn't going to be Zoe any more. It's Superwoman."


In other news, this management-without-colors is a handful. All of the sudden I need to be really creative all the time. Literally, the way that I am handling children is exactly the opposite of what I was doing before. TFA was all children-listen-no-excuses. Now, I'm like, "Oh, you shouldn't jump down the stairs because it's dangerous." And of course, a color change is a lot more convincing to a five year old than danger.

Frankly, I am really struggling - this is hell for a perfectionist.

year 3, t-1

Although I'm just about halfway to veteran status, tomorrow is going to bring a lot of firsts: my first day at my new school, my first day as a co-teacher, and my first day teaching the 28 lovelies who will call our classroom home for the next year.

I am so calm that I am worried about how calm I am. I cannot believe what a difference it makes to have a school, a principal, and a whole team who supports you.

Here are what I presume to be my biggest challenges this year:

1. Co-teaching. My co-teacher, Mrs. B (you should know that our names rhyme and its totally cute), is amazing. If I could have picked anyone to teach with she would have been one of my first choices. But co-teaching, no matter who you are paired with, is really hard. I have a lot to learn about sharing my physical and mental space with another adult for 10 hours a day.
2. Management. Jokes? No, I'm serious. I am a master of what I would call Tier 2 management. Tier 1 is kiddos running wild, so Tier 2 is perfect order and organization, BUT it's entirely teacher directed. Kids know how to get in line because you assigned a line order so they don't even need to think to do it. Tier 3 is what my school (and I) are aiming for: children get in line because they understand social rules and they are caring enough to allow their friends to find a spot. No line spots. Hard work, big payoff. I'm going for growing good humans this year! 
3. Not losing myself. For the past two years, I've developed opinions. Now, I'm around a whole bunch of other smart people who also have opinions. My first instinct is to defer to the experts. I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes I am also the expert. Tricky. 
4. Going paperless. I traded in the SexyFlexy for an iPad. My goal is to keep my life organized on a tablet instead of a notebook. I actually think that it allows for more powerful organization. If you are at all interested in hearing about how I am managing, please hit me up!
5. Learning 250 names. 'Nough said. 

On Friday, a colleague said to me that he taught for 7 years before joining our team, and he learned more in one year at my new school that he had learned in all of the other years combined.

Get ready, Wellesley Waves!

updates are necessary

Let's start with the part where I work at a new school now. In New York. That I LOVE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ln8K3Lh1Iw

reasons why my new job is amazing

1. We have a nurse practitioner on site every day during school hours who will work out of a real exam room to diagnose and treat students. Once a week a pediatrician will also be in the building. 
2. Said NP and Pediatrician work out of a clinic committed to serving our kids through high school. 
3. Today when tech gave me a hard time about my laptop the woman in charge of tech went and fixed it for me and then made me swear that next time I would let her handle it so that I wouldn't have to deal with any of the stress. 
4. My health, dental, and vision is completely covered through benefits. And the company matches mt retirement contributions. 

Like so many other cities (New York City, Detroit, and Philadelphia to name a few) we have no teacher shortages.  We have teacher surpluses.  And yet, TFA is still placing first year novice corps members in places like Chicago. To put it bluntly, the last thing our students undergoing mass school closings, budget cuts, and chaotic school policy need is short-term, poorly-trained novices.  Teach for America is not needed in Chicago.  Teach for America is not needed in most places.

http://atthechalkface.com/2013/06/30/an-open-letter-to-new-teach-for-america-recruits/

Overcome any bitterness that may have come because you were not up to the magnitude of the pain that was entrusted to you. 

Sufi wisdom

8 days to go

Every once in a while I think that my school has finally revealed all of the ridiculousness that it has to offer and that is when I get completely caught off guard.

Two important pieces of information critical to understanding my rant:

1. A second grade teacher at my school is moving back to CA. Since her sister is graduating next weekend, she requested to leave early and not come back. This request was approved. 
2. My students graduate next Wednesday and do not come back for the last three days of school. 

Ok. So today I received an email saying that I would be responsible for substituting in that second grade class after my own class has graduated.

I see so many problems with that, but the first and most pressing is that I don't know the children. I don't even know their names, and frankly I don't have any desire to play the name game with students two days before summer vacation.

Second, I can't have my own students help me pack my class (which is what most higher level teachers do). Trust me, I've tried. It doesn't go well. I planned to wait to pack up my class until after the kids were gone.

More important than any of that, in my opinion: WE HAVE STAFF WHOSE JOB IT IS TO SUBSTITUTE. No one is willing to tell me what they will be doing those days.

In an attempt to be an adult about the situation, I emailed and asked about the designated substituting staff. My principal replied that they are "busy with end of year duties," and that this was her decision [tough] so I should see her with any further questions.

I saw her. It did nothing. I summarized my concerns and she said, "My problem with you is that you have ideas about what you want to do, and I'm the principal so I need to just tell you what to do and you need to deal with it." When I pushed harder, specifically stating that I don't think it is fair that another teacher is leaving early and I am being punished she began to repeat the same sentence over and over: "Ms. Q is not coming back next year." She must have said it 15 times in response to 15 different things I brought up before I finally walked away.

Resolution: I'm taking a sick day on the day that I was supposed to sub.

caught off guard

My rainbow child, DuckDuck, was absent on Monday. Since he isn't usually absent I noticed but didn't think too much of it. Tuesday during circle time he raised his hand. I called on him and he said, with all the monotone inherent in young children delivering bad news, "My uncle was shot yesterday. He might come home. He might not."

Ladies and gentleman, that is the third time that this has happened to one of my students in two years. And I'm not counting all the relatives who are shot before I meet my students.

My heart goes out to Duck's mom who showed up at dismissal physically frazzled and red-eyed, but still calm.

silver lining

I started the morning with two chaperones. By the time we left I had a total of seven.

The weather created the biggest waves I've ever seen on Lake Michigan and I got to watch as some of my kids saw big waves for the first time.

I taught my kids the word "skyscraper" a few weeks ago. Without prompting I heard someone shout, "I see a skyscraper!!"

When we had no place to sit at lunch we laid out my coat on the floor and had a picnic. One of my students who has a really hard time sharing watched me share my lunch and then decided to share her candy (big deal).

We got to see at least three of the animals on my dress.

Two of my three group members, after we watched a zoo keeper prepare lunch for the birdhouse, decided they want to be zookeepers, too.

zoo

I am all kinds of grumpy. Today is our last field trip. I'm wearing a fabulous Frizz dress. We've been talking about the zoo for weeks.

It's 50 degrees outside and supposed to rain. And I have a cold. The entire day hinges on my ability to operate at a level 10 in terms of enthusiasm.

priceless

Watching a former student quietly attempt to reattach a leaf that fell off her plant with an increasing look of confusion on her face.

teaching is like running a marathon

A coworker (Ms. H) and I signed up to do a half marathon together, coinciding with the end of the school year. I think we both appreciate the parallel structure of grueling exercise and grueling jobs. I'm in my third week of training and so far so good. I've never run distance before so I'm just training to finish -- if it takes me 2 1/2 hours I don't mind one bit. 

When I told my kids they were really excited about the idea of me "racing" Ms. H. 

meet oscar

He's our new class pet!

funny story

My principal just conducted my formal evaluation on Wednesday. We met today to talk about it. Things that she specifically asked me to note and work on:

• Don't try to get a higher score (because she could sense I was "trying" since I was asking what I could do to get better)
• Be less urgent
• Last year I wasn't working on building responsibility in my students. This year I am, but that doesn't matter. Because last year I wasn't. 
• I am not warm and caring with my students because I'm too focused on learning. 

My score is actually fine and I'm really not worried about it, but sometimes I just can't believe the things this woman says. 

grade-level partner

Another one down. The woman who replaced the lovely Ms. N at the beginning of the year is no longer with us. It sounds as though she had some health concerns but she also didn't show up at all last week without calling or emailing. Everyone was pretty worried. Then she was supposed to be in today and didn't come. Apparently, that led my principal to decide to let her go.

I don't know what to think -- except, I feel really bad for her children and their families. What an awful way to end their first year of school.

teacher's lounge saga pt. II

My principal called me into her office today to talk about my formal observation (Wednesday) and also about the alleged gossip. I tried to be as open as possible with her about my frustrations and concerns. I actually would love it if she became a better leader. I tried to tell her that I would much rather have a conversation than a blanket email. At the end she said something that just made me so sad...

"I need you to remember, if nothing else, change in education is slow."

Maybe that is true, but let's not expect it. She also told me I was bitter and could easily become a toxic influence. That I am a different teacher than I am this year. That the "balls" I was handed this year are not being juggled as easily.

insect lore

I just ordered butterflies! It's my favorite time of year! Very hungry caterpillar, symmetry painting, camouflage, huzzah!

45 days left to go

From Friday right before an early dismissal for staff, an excerpt of an email from the principal titled, "Teacher's Lounge":

Remember that whatever you say in that lounge can and will be repeated to the administration, so I wonder why do it?

Her email is perhaps 3-5 paragraphs of rambling about negativity and how she just can't let it go. While I respect that she is in fact distressed about the negativity in her school, I take issue with her email for the following reasons:

• She is asking every staff member to call into question all of their colleagues. The message I got was, "Trust no one."
• She is effectively destroying one of the only safe spaces for teachers in the building. Already, everyone I have talked to has said that they won't eat in there any more. This is especially difficult for me because I personally spent the first two months of school getting teachers to eat together.  
• She specifically notes that she was advised not to send the email but does it anyway.
• She has made it very clear that we are not to bother her about anything unless it is an absolute necessity. Literally, she has said, "Don't ask me. You have a team leader for that." 
• Even when teachers do bring concerns to administration, those concerns are not always addressed or resolved. 
• She made no effort to personally address the problem. 

Some teachers have nervously pointed out that they hope they are not called into her office about this email. Frankly, I hope I am. I think that she really needs to reflect on the expectations she set at the beginning of the year and how that affects the culture of our school. 

48 days to go

Today has felt a lot like I am running just to stay in place. Homework isn't copied, parent-teacher conferences tomorrow are eating all of my free time, and the joy at seeing the kiddos already wore off.

During bathroom break before gym Texas raised his hand. He informed me he had an accident and showed me that it was running down the leg of his pants. I immediately felt stressed. I already had a line of five children to talk to about one thing or another before I let them go to gym (e.g., you still need to apologize even if you bumped the person by accident). I could feel myself getting frustrated.

Then, the most magical thing happened. Texas said, "Ms. Haley, it's not a big accident and I have a change of clothes. May I go and get them?" He went upstairs, got his clothes, changed, brought his clothes back up to his locker and went to gym. No assistance necessary. In case you've never taught five-year-olds, that kind of independence is A BIG DEAL.

reflections on our first day back from break

Yesterday went really, really went. We all clearly felt a lot of joy in seeing each other after the break and I would say most of the day was a big lovefest.

I gave everyone new seats and it went really well, especially considering that I did it right before I went down to pick them up. N's full time aid started with him, meaning that by law he is legally guaranteed an adult assistant with him all of the time until he shows that he no longer needs it. I don't have lunch duty this week so I spent my break calling parents and scheduling parent-teacher conferences. I forgot my computer at home which meant I couldn't spend any time procrastinating on my blog.

--------
Best exchange of the day, from the child who chose the word "family" to describe us, Vee, and N:

"I would like to shout-out N because he was sticking his tongue out at me and I told his to stop and then he stopped."

[As we all are giving love to N] "Vee that's because I love you."

51 days to go

"Oil is the fashion word for dirt."

Translation: soil is a fancy word for dirt.

I.hate.grading.

All I have done this week is enter grades. Hours of my life I will never get back.

Rather than "grade" five-year-olds on their ability and effort as shown by school mandated tests, I would MUCH rather reflect on the data that I collect and use for my own teaching.

What I am required to say: TK on comparing numbers, 50%.

What I would like to say: "TK is having trouble comparing numbers because her number sense above ten is a little low. I think this could be improved by having her complete these kinds of activities..."

What I end up doing to stay out of trouble and live with myself: both.

a note on parenting

Before I say a word, a disclaimer: I am not a parent. Nor do I desire ever to become one. Parenting is some hard work. 

Yesterday, when Kyle was getting picked up I explained to his mom that he had a bag of books that he needs to read every day (he's a low reader) and that if he could read them at then end of the week he would get a prize. She turned to him and asked, "Well, are you going to read those books?"

Maybe things have changed, but when I was in elementary school my grammy sat me down and forced me through every damn worksheet and assignment, like it or not. She would have sat on me if that's what it took. Similarly, I can remember her dragging me out of bed (literally, by the toes) to get me to school. For all the things that mattered I had no choice.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe neither of these styles is perfect but I don't think six-year-olds should be trusted to make their own academic decisions and I'm not really sure how to politely say that to a parent.

54 days to go

We did a science experiment to discover the necessary elements of life for plants. Each group planted a flower seed with one resource missing: water, light, and soil. The fourth group was our control - they just planted a plant.

Two funny things happened in relation to this experiment. First, during school DuckDuck began to cry a sad, hearty, leaky sort of sob. When I asked what was wrong he answered, "I'm just a little bit sad that our plant isn't going to grow." He was in the "no water" group. Second, after school I was giving the no soil and control plants each a little bit more water to last the weekend and I accidentally watered the "no water" cup. I quickly poured the water off the top before it seeped in, but DuckDuck may have his wish fulfilled after all.

In less exciting news, N was sent home during gym because while he was sitting in the corner for choking a student he found a chisel and chucked it at another student and hit her. I know that he isn't malicious, but it sincerely worries me that his first thought on finding something sharp and heavy is to throw it at another child.

56 days to go

It was a rough day for uniforms. Eli came in with his button down inside out. Baby Face had his sweater under his button down.

The low point of my day? Eli's mom agreed to come in for a meeting but I wasn't going to be able to go because we were short-staffed and no one could cover my class. Then, she cancelled.

The highlight of my day? I heard someone talking too loudly during centers and I looked up to see that it was Kyle.

Back story: Too much time passed before I realized that Kyle was going to need speech services because he talked so little in school. He never raised his hand and never talked spontaneously with others. On the other hand, I'm not guilt free. I couldn't understand him pronouncing his own name when I first met him. Anyway, his needs were beyond what I was capable of so I started pushing to get him evaluated. I pushed. His mom pushed. Nothing happened. Finally, I started emailing weekly and serendipitously our special ed coordinator left. I immediately started harassing her replacement. He was evaluated and immediately approved for services. The speech pathologist came in for his first session today. I heard him talk more today than I have ever heard him talk in a week.

bell hooks on educating black boys

"Oftentimes separate schools for black boys are presented as the best educational alternative because of their emphasis on strict discipline instead of learning. Yet often it is not the strictness that leads boys to do well in these schools, rather the fact that they are cared about, given attention, and perceived to be learners who can excel academically. Individual boys educated in supportive environments often regress when they enter predominantly white schools where they are stereotypically categorized as non-learners."

From her chapter titled, "school black males" in the book We Real Cool, p. 45.

st. patrick's day

Puzzles from this story, also referred to here as Jay, when to reading enrichment yesterday. The activity was to make a shamrock and then write three things they wished for on it. Jay's three wishes:

• I wish for a mom
• I wish for [a toy]
• I wish for a dad

And she read it to me all proud of the fact that she was sounding things out on her own. 

61 days to go

Today was one of those days where nothing crazy happened except me. By the end of the day, I was shouting at a child because he was crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, "I'm frustrated because I'm trying to help you and you won't tell me what you need!". A very effective and socially appropriate way to respond to a problem. Turns out he had left an illegal toy in his locker and wanted to get it. This was X, aka Crocodile Tears because that's what he responds to everything with.

In other news, Eli smothered a blue dry erase marker all over his mouth today in math. Then, he started tugging on the marker tip harder and harder until it bled all over his hands and shirt. He couldn't tell me what he was doing or why.

The last straw was at dismissal. Two days ago N was sent home for smacking Jay (Puzzles) to the floor. Another teacher saw it and wrote a referral. When N's mom arrived she asked if she could talk to the little girl. I assumed that she wanted N to apologize. Instead it went like this:

[N's mom]: "Did N hit you?"

"No."

"So N didn't hit you. Ms. Haley..."

[me]: "Not today Jay, earlier this week."

"Ohhh, yes. He did."

"Do you think he did it on purpose or by accident?"

--------

I realize that his mom handles a lot of stuff. And she should stick up for her baby. BUT are you kidding me?!

Oh, wait. There was one more straw. Today at our "professional development" I was scolded for being on my computer (even though I was participating) while the rest of the room graded papers and had side conversations with their team members. Perfect.

63 days to go

Shout outs from yesterday:

• I would like to should out L because she helped me stop talking
• I would like to shout out S because she did such a good job reading Elephant and Piggie (Texas)
• I would like to shout out A because at recess I didn't know how to make a cookie [playdough] and she showed me (Ms. A)

Then X proceeded to have a mental breakdown because Texas forgot to shout him out. Shout outs are clearly a big deal. 

adults, round II

Yesterday I was interrupted at the end of my grade level meeting by a frantic administrative assistant. It was 11:15am and my class was still upstairs in the room! They need to be taken to lunch! They're already five minutes late!

I went dashing up to my classroom to find utter chaos. The computer teacher apparently decided that she should move some children from blue to red (rather than incrementally, one color at a time). Children were crying and several had been hit by either Eli or N. Or both.

We transitioned fairly quickly to lunch and I was able to stop most of the tears by about 11:20.

Here's the kicker: guess where the computer teacher was headed, that she was so busy she couldn't take my class down to the cafeteria?

Lunch Duty. That's right. She kept my kids and made them almost 10 minutes late to their 20 minute lunch because she didn't want to walk them down. Then, she followed.us.down.to.the.cafeteria. Not to mention that when I am in a grade-level meeting she is supposed to take them down.

big victories // small victories

Yesterday I was officially informed that N has qualified, as part of his IEP (Individual Education Plan), for a 1:1 aid. Which means that as soon as possible - which I take to mean, by the beginning of next year - he will have a staff member with him full time throughout the day. When I found out, I breathed a sigh of relief. At least now I know that I can send him to first grade with the best possible scenario available at this school.

Also, a personal victory: during his meeting it came up that he used to cry every day before school in PreK. He no longer does that. In fact, his exact words were, "I like school. I'm good at all the things."

ravitch responds

Diane Ravitch is often one of few voices who speak out loudly against current education reform. As someone wishing to engage in critical dialogue, her voice was refreshing. My one disappointment with her was that she did not have an advocacy group or goal -- no place to put her energy.

With the launch of the Network for Public Education everything has changed. Their mission:

Our mission is to protect, preserve, promote, and strengthen public schools and the education of current and future generations of students. We will accomplish this by networking groups and organizations focused on similar goals in states and districts throughout the nation, share information about what works and what doesn’t work in public education, and endorse and rate candidates for office based on our principles and goals. More specifically, we will support candidates who oppose high-stakes testing, mass school closures, the privatization of our public schools and the outsourcing of its core functions to for-profit corporations, and we will support candidates who work for evidence-based reforms that will improve our schools and the education of our nation’s children.

Here is a Q&A with Ravitch, sent in by a teacher friend of mine, from wapo.

The reason that this network is so important is because it brings another voice to the table. It offers an alternative to high-stakes testing and privatization. Here, we have educators and experts testifying to the strength and vitality that public schools are capable of.

adults

As you may have gathered from reading my blog, the adults who work in my building are not exactly what I would categorize as "effective." Somehow, they never cease to amaze me with their lack of proficiency in the care and handling of young children.

For example, on Friday I returned to my classroom after their 45-minute gym period to find that the room was in emotional disarray. My behavior stick (a simple, six color stick that tracks student behavior with clothes pins which can be placed from red to blue) was on a table. The clothespins were in a heap surrounding it. Two were snapped in half. Children were crying and pushing and grabbing.

When I asked the teacher what happened, she told me that during the play time the stick had been knocked on the floor and some clips had fallen off so she just took all of them off since she didn't know where to put the ones that had fallen. Then, she made a quick exit.

After she was gone, I instituted a whole-class time-out so that I could get to the bottom of what happened. As I called up one student at a time to my desk, they began to verify the truth: the teacher had thrown the stick on the ground in frustration and many clips came flying off. Some children tried to put their friends back on the stick in the correct spot and in retaliation she took all of the clips off. At this point, Eli got a hold of them and started snapping the clothespins in half. And that's about when I walked in.

How does a 50 year-old-woman think that it is appropriate to have a temper tantrum in front of my class? And why on earth did she think that my kids wouldn't tell me the truth?

More frustrating than anything else is the fact that there is no avenue for me to seek retribution for my class. Mediocrity (or less) reigns.

sh

Sometimes little things make you feel big things.

On Friday one of my former students, Sh from this story, caught my attention. The after school program where many of our students go had just been called for dismissal and Sh was hysterically crying. I heard her teacher say something like, "Sh, your mom paid for you to go. So go." She clearly was not going to go on her own so I went over to talk to her. She was beside herself, tears everywhere, shaking and sobbing with emotion. Never in my two years knowing her had I seen her like that.

I offered to walk her to the top of the steps to meet the teacher. When we finally got outside, she physically pulled as I tried to take her hand and lead her down the sidewalk. The after school teacher said something like, "Sh, let's go and when we get there I will give you cake." She clearly was not going to go. At all.

I tried her mom on my cell. No answer -- I must have an old number by now. As a hail mary, I tried Pam, her grandmother. About a year ago she came after school to help me staple books for the kiddos. As she was leaving she hugged me and said that I was different, that she could tell I really cared. Pam immediately understood my concern and sent someone to pick Sh up.

In the mess of this ordeal, Sh told me that she didn't want to go because someone was bothering her. She told the after school teacher that she didn't want to go because she had a headache. She told Pam, little body shaking into the phone, that she just didn't want to go. Obviously, something is seriously wrong and she didn't feel like she could trust any of the adults around her to tell them exactly what it is.

reevaluation follow up

Guess what? Nothing happened.

I wish I could say that I was surprised, but I'm not. At this point, I'm not even trying to help myself with N, I'm just trying to make sure he gets what he needs by first grade.

psa

If you are, hypothetically, a parent of a third grade girl who is invited to join Ladies Club (aka, feminism class) an email like this would absolutely make you a helicopter parent:

Has there been an outline prepared and what source documents are you using for the curriculum? Will it be information from the internet or just your own personal life experiences shared.
 
For example:
March 14th / Week #1 - "What is this group about?" explaining to the girls what is the purpose of the group (rules & guidelines) and why its important. And maybe play an ice breaker game like Tell me 3 things about you.  Ask the girls why did they sign up and what are their expectations. Are they expecting to make new friends, learn arts & crafts, to learn secrets about the other girls and tease them???? Those few items could take an hour and then it sets the tone for the following weeks.
 
March 21st / Week #2 - Topic "I am a Lady" explaining that a young lady carries herself with poise and respect. Does not have to be flamboyant and loud, deserves respect and courtesy from others.  Ask the kids to name who are some popular ladies and why are they popular. That will open a discussion on everyone from Nikki Monage to Michelle Obama.  Compare and contrast the ladies and highlight they are both successful, but how they achieved the success (entertainer vs. education (law school, 1st lady, Univ. of Chicago). Ask them to describe a lady in their own family. They might tell about an favorite Aunt or older cousin, or even their own Mom.
 
March 28th / Week #3 - Topic "Proper Etiquette" could review proper eating and public behavior. Use paper placemats to simulate how and when to use which fork/spoon.  Do a full place setting with the salad fork, dinner fork, soup spoon, tea spoon at the top of the plate. They may not encounter situations often where these skills are used, but when they do; its important to know to place your napkin on your lap and not tuck it under their chin. The water glass to the right is their beverage and to start with silverware from the outside and work you way in. If they learn that, they can go to any scholarship luncheon and represent themselves well.
 
Week #4 - Topic "Proper Hygiene" this will allow a few weeks into the Club for the girls to develop trust and be more apt to share with the group. Instill the importance of daily showering or bathing, the need to take a personal interest in the neatness of their appearance. Neatness, as in washed and ironed clothes, not just pricey name brands. Name brands don't matter if you're wrinkled and sloppy. Then perhaps brooch the subject of menstrual cycles and let them know to talk with Mom, Grandmother, Aunt, or even you if it happens at school. Some students may have already started, others will be within a few years. Emphasize that its a private matter and a lady will not make fun of another girl or tell everyone on the playground that "Molly, got her period today."
 
Week #5 - Topic "Proper Nutrition & Exercise" to promote healthy eating and regular exercises. Focus on using the word nutrition, healthy choices, rather than saying diet. That could plant seeds for eating disorders and other body image issues. An activity could be to ask the girls to bring in different magazines and cut out pictures to make a collage of different women. Showing that beautiful women come in all shapes, sizes and skin tones/colors. 

science and field trips

At the beginning of the year, my team out-voted me for throwing out my created science curriculum in favor of using the FOSS kits that are five years old and incomplete. Not surprisingly, that hasn't been going so well. As of last week, I am now in charge of planning science and we are back on track for a Spring of biology and life sciences, which is my favorite part of the year (growing plants and butterflies? yes, please).

Well, in conjunction with my proposed curriculum, I just submitted three field trip requests: one for each unit for the rest of the year. Although three is supposed to be an admissible number of trips, I am not hopeful. So far I am 0-2 for accepted requests.

Funny story? Ms. H, my twin, overheard one of my grade-level partners complaining to my other grade-level partner about how it was my fault that we haven't taken any trips yet this year.

68 days to go

Today, my boss had to bring her daughter with her to work because their babysitter is out of town. She came to me last week to apologize for not asking me to host her (4 year old) daughter. I laughed politely and said not-so-politely that I wasn't a babysitter. No hard feelings.

Then she told me the reason why she hadn't asked. She said that she didn't want her child in my classroom with Eli and N. She said that my group was too rowdy and out of control for her to feel safe leaving her daughter, so her daughter will be spending the day in the other two Kindergarten classrooms.

Here's a question: If my classroom is not safe enough for a white lady's middle class daughter, what makes it safe enough for my students?

reevaluation

Today is N's big reevaluation meeting. After 6 months of begging on my part, today is the day. We will meet with his mom, every specialist you can think of, and the SPED team.

I have no idea what my expectations should be.

What I do know is that yesterday he was playing and talking so I sent him to the time out. He wouldn't go. Finally, when he did go he spat on the chair. As I wrote his referral, he pulled some of my things off the wall. Then, during lunch he grabbed two boys and knocked their heads together. When his mom came to pick him up, she was crying.

mental health days

I took a mental health day yesterday, but I'm not sure it was worth it seeing my classroom today.

All of our good substitutes are either gone (quit) or out with a broken ankle. I came back to find my desk buried in three piles of random shit (not mine), two notes about poor behavior, and general disaster.

Days like this make me think, yes, I'm ready to sell out. Where do I sign so that I can take a day off and not come back to complete and utter chaos?

78 days to go

Vee approached me today to inform me that she had changed her name. A quiet, timid child, I figured that something very epic must have happened to cause such a sudden change of heart about her name. I inquired.

"I asked my mom if I could change my name to Shanaynay and she said yes. So I did."

Highlights from our shout-outs today:

• DuckDuck, "I would like to shout out Kyle because when I [reminded him not to talk in the hall], he listened. 
• Dee, "I would like to shout out M because I really wanted the pink one [marker] and she let me have it first."
• Texas, "I would like to shout out Jay because today in gym when I was crying she rubbed my back."
• And the BEST, Jamari, "I would like to shout out X because today at lunch I wasn't sure about the meatballs but then he tried them and he told me that they were ok."

thoughtfulness

Today during calendar time I mentioned to my class that a very special teacher had a birthday this past weekend, Ms. H -- the third grade teacher of our third grade buddies, aka hero of the universe.

After recess, DuckDuck approached me with a piece of construction paper and a piece of plain paper, "Ms. Haley do you have some glue so that I can make this into a real card?" Not only did he remember that yesterday was Ms. H's birthday for more than four hours, he made her a card WITH A PAPER INSERT.

Not even I can beat that, and I am an avid birthday card sender.

valentine's day

The difference between my first and second year: worry.

Last year I worried about decorating the bags, I worried about making sure that everyone got one of each candy, and I worried about all those children walking around at the same time.

This year, I clearly explained the directions and then I let them go. The only thing I cared about was that they were polite ("HEY! Gimme one of those!!" had to be gently squashed a couple of times). And it was the first classroom party that I actually stopped and enjoyed. There was a lot of love in the room for each other, our buddies, and our buddy-teacher.

And then I had a wonderful evening. Not bad.

Now I just need to get through a day of children hungover from candy.

excerpt from Wendy Kopp's email about appointing new CEOs in TFA

We are undertaking these changes to ensure that we have the leadership capacity necessary to tackle our rapidly growing needs and opportunities. Over the last five years, Teach For America has doubled in size, from 5,000 corps members to more than 10,000, from 26 communities to 46. Today we are investing more than ever in growing in scale and diversity, increasing the impact of corps members, and fostering the leadership of alumni. Meanwhile, in the six years since I co-founded Teach For All, it has expanded into a global network of 26 independent organizations that, like Teach For America, are enlisting their nations' most promising future leaders to become lifelong advocates for educational excellence and equity.

Reading this, I don't feel hope or excitement. I feel trepidation about that rapid growth. We're not a perfect model and I don't think getting bigger is going to make us more perfect.

status update on N

He fell out of his chair head first today. His legs were over the back and his head was on the floor. He, not surprisingly, lost his balance.

That's how he's doing.

roadblocks

Something that happened today serves as a perfect example of everything I find frustrating about my school.

My school janitor arrived at my door with a trash bag full of red owls. He had no idea what they were for or why he was bringing them to me. His apathy was easily forgivable -- it's not his job.

During lunch, I asked one of the team leaders what the red owls were for (two more were stuffed in my mailbox, the office was clearly suffering an invasion). She replied, "We are getting a new mascot. They are for the children from the principal. You should hand them out today." Our mascot is already an owl.

During recess, I asked the other team leader what the red owls were for. She replied, "I don't know. They arrived today. [Our principal] wants to increase school spirit, so she bought them." I countered, "They look evil."

After talking to three people, all I know is that I am supposed to spend 5-10 minutes of my already-shortened afternoon handing out evil-looking stuffed animals for no good reason.

we are officially counting down and not up

I hung our count-down chain yesterday so that we can pull a link off everyday and we are officially on the downward swing.

I think with all of the celebrating we did last week my kiddies are feeling accomplished. Too accomplished. Yesterday was a hot mess. I hope that we can actually make some progress today.

celebrating brain growth

I told my kids if every single person grew in reading and math on the NWEA that we would have a party. Well, they did. So, we did.

First of all, we toasted red Kool-aid to all of their hard work. Then, while they were enjoying their pizza, cookies, and chips they spontaneously began a game of Cup (short for counting up, it is what it sounds like: someone shouts a number and then everyone calls out the next number). Without almost no facilitation from me, they took turns shouting numbers for the whole class, only occasionally making a number up ("80 one hundred thousand!"). As the game was winding down, and I was basking in the learning-related joy, someone asked me to please put on our math songs. We rocked out hard core to The Big Numbers Song, among others.

Finally, we sang the football chant, taught to me by the lovely Ms. Nash, my former grade-level partner and veteran teacher extraordinaire. Basically, everyone chants and then one person comes to the middle to dance. Texas did the robot, DuckDuck did the zombie, and I did the sprinkler. It was loud and blissful. At the end of the chant, we called N over from time out to "do your thing" and it was the only good moment of the day for him. I really needed to have such a good day with them.

victory soup

I'm sitting in my cozy apartment, eating a healthy homemade meal, doing only mindless school work and things that make me happy. I feel in control of my life and happiness. I am not binging on Friends or cookies (not to say that I'm not eating cookies...).

Twelve hour days still aren't sustainable. I'm still behind on work from when I was sick two weeks ago. It's dark, cold, and wearisome to get up and go to work every day. But! I'm reading every day. And letting my to-do list just be. And drinking in the satisfaction of seeing my babies grow.

It's almost lovely February, and I survived!

remember when I wasn't a team player?

Yeah, me either. I went and talked separately to each member of my team to figure out what exactly I was doing wrong. Better just to know, in my opinion.

Two said that they had no problem, and had heard of no problem. One admitted that the beginning of the year was shaky - but then quickly dismissed her initial concerns, saying that it's been a long time since she felt that way. 

I followed up with my principal in an email, relaying my reflections and my conversations with each member of my team. She has not replied.

sight word update

In October another K teacher told me that she was determined to make sure that her children left reading at least 100 sight words. I promptly panicked and made this list about what I would do for my own children.

Three months later, I don't feel as determined about sight words. I think that they are really important, and I definitely need everyone to read 25-50 or I will die, but memorizing words isn't something I want to waste too much time with. We read our word wall every day, and I am introducing 3 words a week. Do I make my kids personalized flashcards any more? No. On the other hand, that means that I have introduced about 35 words, and my kids know an average of 15 per student. I don't feel great admitting that.

that awful moment when...

You blow your event's budget by paying $25 for rush shipping, submit your order, and then realize that you counted wrong and need one more roll of stickers for $2.50.

eli the enigma

Everyone I work with knows Eli. He's smart, articulate, and a damn fool. He can already read a level D book with ease, knows more sight words than any Kindergartner I have ever met, and can order numbers like nobody's business.

But.he.is.so.awful. When someone mistakenly says a wrong answer, he makes fun of them. When someone gets in trouble he laughs behind their back. Last week, he scratched Sweet T on the face during recess and then proceeded to pummel him with his fists until another teacher pulled him off. He hits other children and shows no remorse. And frankly, it's that lack of remorse that really worries me. How do you, dear six-year-old, make another person bleed and not at least take pause? To say that he has ADHD would be an understatement, but of course I wouldn't say that because I am not professionally qualified to say such things.

He also has a lot of trouble with personal care. He is clumsy, constantly falling all over himself. For the first three months of school his fly was open more than it was closed, and he often comes out of the bathroom with his clothes in complete disarray. He has that a Pig-Pen air about him, exuding dirt that I can't quite see.

He's gotten in a lot of trouble with me, but the only time I have ever seen him cry was when I forgot to give him his personal note from his Third Grade Buddy. Even though his big, sad, innocent eyes humanized him, it was short-lived.

Well, today sweet Eli was a jerk, which caused a very wonderful thing to happen.

N was on red and really struggling in the morning, just two hours into our day. I was seriously concerned about the next four hours. Eli raised his hand and it went something like this:

N: I didn't do nothin... I didn't do nothin... I didn't do nothin... I didn't do nothin... I didn't do nothin...

ELI: N just pushed Texas.

MS HALEY: N, we do not push our friends. And you are talking in the hallway. You are already on red. I'm going to have to send you to the office.

[N hangs head]

TEXAS: Ms. Haley? N didn't push me. I think Eli might just be trying to get him in trouble.

MS HALEY: [visibly losing temper] Are you KIDDING me? We are all trying to help N be successful. We are family. Why on earth would you try to get him in trouble?! No, no, just go sit in the time out. I don't even want to talk to you.... [turn to N] N, I'm sorry. If that happens again and he's bothering you, please don't shout. Instead, ignore him and raise your hand. I will come and help you.
-------

Do you know where this is going yet?

In the afternoon, I was covertly watching the boys during bathroom break. I watched as Eli taunted N (clearly not his best day). But N, sweet boy, IGNORED HIM AND RAISED HIS HAND. I literally ran over to him to help because I was so afraid that he would just give up and push Eli.

Our Dean was nearby and when I brought N over to tell him what had happened, N cracked into the biggest smile I have ever seen from him. It changed his face -- it made him look like a little boy.

I have no idea what day it is

But I do know that I'm planning the 100 Days of School Celebration next week at our school. I can't wait to make 100 necklaces, 100 hats, and hundred projects!

to remember when I want to strangle someone today

Children are children wherever they go.

nwea

Our standarized test is today, for reading. Everyone is taking it at once. This afternoon.

This test is 30% of my overall performance. I hate how much I care.

a warm welcome

Yesterday, my principal left everyone a personal, handwritten note in their mailbox. Everyone received a bookmark-sized piece of paper with some words of encouragement. Ignore for a minute that ackowledging everyone at once totally invalidates the sentiment. My personal, handwritten note? A photocopied paragraph from the evaluation booklet.

My principal copied a paragraph about how to be a team player, and then wrote me a note about how I am not. She further encouraged me to reflect on this problem of mine, since it is unacceptable.

I went to talk to her about it yesterday after school and all she could tell me is that "multiple people have complained."

Now, I do not have the relationship that I had with my team last year -- but that team was graced with a rare chemistry. This year, I do not love my team. We do not spend time outside of school together. But do we need to, to be effective? I'm actually asking from a professional standpoint. Do I need to be friends with my colleagues? What is the relationship that I should be seeking and fostering?

on being sick

Last week I took my first sick day(s) since high school and stayed home with some rotten something that kept me on the couch watching 30 Rock for four days straight. The experience has led me to a few realizations.

First, while I laid on the linoleum floor of an empty classroom for three hours on Monday waiting for someone to tell me it was ok to go home, I realized that no one will ever advocate for me here.

Second, when I came back to a mountain of work that is manageable but unpleasant, I realized that I don't want to do this forever. The trenches are not for me.

It's January, and it's my least favorite month of the year.