racing

The best part of my day today came during dismissal. Eli (pseudonym) was the last child to be picked up. He's a wiggler but his mom is about to have twins and in the wake of her contractions he has simmered a little.

While we waited, we raced. Back and forth down the parking lot until he was out of breath. Then, he sat down - tired - for two whole minutes.

day 31

Duck Duck (obv a nickname) raised his hand.

"When N is doing the wrong thing, I remind him by going like this [thumbs down]."

I am in love with this sweet rainbow-loving child.

october blues

Last year at the end of October I had a mini-meltdown. I was not sleeping, eating, or taking care of myself in any way - physical or emotional. And I was in denial. I remember thinking that I literally could not sustain myself on that routine for nine months. If you're a new teacher and you're reading this, it gets better.

However, even in my second year, I'm not happy. I don't love going to work. I don't feel excited to see my kids everyday. Even though literally everything is easier, I'm still not happy. Everything did not magically click into place. 

I'm fresh off of a three day weekend, in which I did everything in my power to forget that I have an all consuming job -- I went to the library, read half of On Beauty, wrote letters to friends, cooked a whole chicken, got a haircut, went out to dinner (twice!), cleaned my apartment. These are all things I would not have dreamt of doing at this time last year. 

I guess I'm confused because I still don't want to be here at school. I'm still not sure how on earth I am going to get my centers to where they need to be so that my admin will get off my back about small groups. I'm still feeling guilty that I'm having a life at the expense of my students' education. I'm still not motivated to go looking for the missing "October" sign for the calendar, or to fix my student gallery, or to clean off the tables, or to prepare for today. I guess this is October blues. 

an excerpt

From a letter than I had to write for N's Doctor:

·         Lack of ability to control impulse

o    Examples: Hitting classmates, getting out of line, playing on the stairs, touching things that are not his, scribbling on pages instead of doing work, talking out of turn.

·         Lack of ability to ignore distractions

o    Example: When there is too much noise, he will block his ears and yell or hum.

o    Example: He is required to wear a tie per school uniform, which he pulls off and plays repeatedly each day.

·         Need for attention from an adult

o    Example: If he is not called on first, he will yell or whine.

o    Example: If his behavior is ignored (I do not acknowledge negative behaviors, only positive) he will become very agitated and can cry for 15-40 minutes or more.

·         Need for movement and sensory stimulation

o    Example: Touches surfaces of everything, even familiar objects (i.e., lockers, tables, sinks, walls) repeatedly. This behavior distracts him from other necessary behaviors.

o    Example: Shouts and makes loud noises during lessons or in the hallways.

·         Difficulty with abstract thinking

o    Example: Struggles with questions during reading such as, “How do you think he is feeling?” or “Why do you think he is doing that?”

o    Example: Cannot always read the emotions or expressions of classmates - someone is crying because they were hit and he will say, “X is mad.” or someone is crying and N will laugh, not realizing they are upset. 

I am not sure that I will ever stop being mad about the fact that I cannot give this child what he needs.

day 20-something

I can't even remember. I'm sitting in the hallway while my kids are in Spanish because I can't sit in there and listen to them go bananas with another teacher. Since I'm in the hall I can hear a new teacher realizing that you can't ask Kindergartners to vote by hand raising because they cheat and raise their hands for everything.

After ignoring N crying for an HOUR, per my new strategy, I finally lost my cool and asked, "Do you even know why you're crying?!" He stopped crying, answered "No." in the calmest voice I have ever hear, and then resumed crying.

I have a presentation in class tonight and a paper due with it. After three cups of coffee I have realized that I just cannot do any more than I am currently doing -- thank goodness this is a one-time assignment.

Community schools rock.

greek proverb

A civilization flourishes when people plant trees under which they never plan to sit.