october blues

Last year at the end of October I had a mini-meltdown. I was not sleeping, eating, or taking care of myself in any way - physical or emotional. And I was in denial. I remember thinking that I literally could not sustain myself on that routine for nine months. If you're a new teacher and you're reading this, it gets better.

However, even in my second year, I'm not happy. I don't love going to work. I don't feel excited to see my kids everyday. Even though literally everything is easier, I'm still not happy. Everything did not magically click into place. 

I'm fresh off of a three day weekend, in which I did everything in my power to forget that I have an all consuming job -- I went to the library, read half of On Beauty, wrote letters to friends, cooked a whole chicken, got a haircut, went out to dinner (twice!), cleaned my apartment. These are all things I would not have dreamt of doing at this time last year. 

I guess I'm confused because I still don't want to be here at school. I'm still not sure how on earth I am going to get my centers to where they need to be so that my admin will get off my back about small groups. I'm still feeling guilty that I'm having a life at the expense of my students' education. I'm still not motivated to go looking for the missing "October" sign for the calendar, or to fix my student gallery, or to clean off the tables, or to prepare for today. I guess this is October blues.